Your Hands

A sweet friend posted this quote on facebook recently.

[ life can be the same after a trinket has been lost, but never after the loss of a treasure. ]
P.E. Irion

    Today we remember Noah, who we lost two years ago on this date.

      The song “Your Hands” by JJ Heller was on a constant loop in our house and cars during those first few weeks.  Claudia still refers to it as our “Family Song”

I have unanswered prayers

I have trouble I wish wasn’t there

And I have asked a thousand ways

That You would take my pain away

♥

I am trying to understand

How to walk this weary land

Make straight the paths that crooked lie

Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

♥

When my world is shaking, heaven stands

When my heart is breaking

I never leave Your Hands

♥

When You walked upon the earth

You healed the broken, lost and hurt

I know You hate to see me cry

One day You will set all things right

There has been so much heartache for our family: Noah, then Miriam, then Grace Emmanuelle, but the words of this song still ring true for us.

When my world is shaking, heaven stands

When my heart is breaking

I never leave Your Hands

♥♥♥

To hear the song, click on the link below.  It’s worth your 3 minutes.

Your Hands

The Longest Night

I’m thankful that after tonight there will be a little more light each day.  It feels like a hope-filled metaphor for our healing.

About a month before we lost Grace I was feeling nervous because we had lost Noah and Miriam.  I was praying and praying and praying and the verse that the Lord spoke into my heart was in Psalm 139.  NOT verse 13 — the one you think of with pregnant women “For Thou didst form my inward parts; Thou didst weave me in my mother’s womb”  That’s the verse I wanted to hear because I wanted reassurance that He was knitting this baby skillfully in my womb.  Nope, not that one.  The verses He spoke clearly into my heart were verses 11&12.  The ones right before that one.

“If I say ‘Surely the darkness will overwhelm me, and the light around me will be night.’ Even the darkness is not dark to Thee, And the night is as bright as the day.  Darkness and light are alike to Thee.”

There is so much darkness this time around.  So many questions.  So much disappointment.   Every day I feel like the darkness will overwhelm me.  But even the darkness is not dark to Him.  Darkness and light are alike to Him.  He knows exactly what is going on.  He knows exactly why.

Although HE knows, for me, there is just way too much darkness, I want to run away.  I keep telling my friends I just want to escape this.  Can I please just run away to some remote place and start over?

But then I go farther back in that same Psalm 139.

Where can I go from Thy Spirit?

Or where can I flee from Thy Presence?

If I ascend to heaven, Thou art there;

If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, Thou art there.

If I take the wings of the dawn

If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea,

Even there Thy hand will lead me,

And Thy right hand will lay hold of me.

Words don’t come easily this time around.  Facing loss is always such a difficult journey, but with this baby, who we had felt so much hope with, so much joy…she felt like such a gift for many reasons that I won’t bother writing out here….this loss has been a new level of awful.

It’s hard to praise God when you are encased in darkness.  It is hard to have a job as a worship leader when you are wrestling with the One whom you are supposed to proclaim is so GOOD.  I was just talking to a friend about this, and it hit me hard.   This choice I have to make.  Do I praise Him still?  Do I choose anger?   I do not want to be one of those people who is tried and tested and turn away from God when things are not going the way I want them to.  It’s such a wrestle, because I BELIEVE that God is the Creator and Sustainer of ALL life.  All.  Life.  Noah, Miriam, Grace.  Each one created by Him.  And taken by Him long before I was ready to let go.  I don’t understand this at all.  I don’t know how to say “The Lord gives and the Lord takes away.  Blessed be the Name of the Lord”  It’s easier when you’re in the season of the Lord GIVES.  But when the Lord Takes Away?

Even so.  Even so I will praise You.  Even in this.  Somehow.  There is a bigger picture that I don’t see.

We celebrated Christmas yesterday morning with E & C because they’ll be with their dad this year on Christmas Day.  It was a very sweet time of opening gifts and sharing laughs and cinnamon rolls.  But in the corners of the room, like shadows were these other children.  I felt I could almost catch a glimpse of them.   Just out of my reach.   Noah – who would be 17 months.  Miriam – who would be 7 months.  Grace – who should still be safely carried everywhere in my womb.  These children were missing and we felt their presence.

The Lord gives and the Lord takes away.  Blessed be the Name of the Lord.

There are so many unanswered and quite possibly unanswerable questions in this season of darkness.  But, I give thanks that for this year, truly, the longest night is soon over.

Even THIS darkness is not dark to Him

Grace Emmanuelle

On Thursday, December 4th, one year after we lost our second baby, Miriam, we found out that our 3rd baby’s heart had stopped beating.  I was scheduled for surgery on Tuesday morning, but early on Monday morning, December 8th, my water broke and I delivered our daughter, Grace Emmanuelle McCabe at 4:46 a.m.  She was only 17 weeks old.

To do this once, unbearable.

To face this a third time, unthinkable.

From before I even open my eyes in the morning I feel pain in my heart.  And when we shut the lights off at night it is even worse because I am a day farther away from when I carried her with me and a day closer to facing all of the milestones that will never be.

We are searching for light in the darkness this Advent season.

Mr. Roper has a New Sweater

I never thought I’d knit a sweater for my dog, but look at this cute face!

We just got home from a quick little get-away to Manchester, VT.  I went to one of my very favorite yarn shops, Yarns for the Soul and made an impulse purchase of Dress Your Dog and took a few hours to knit the “Colorful Coat” pattern.  He will have to share with Pepper, because I don’t know if I’m in the mood to knit a second one…

Some Summer Updates

I love organization and am always looking for new ways to keep paper under control.  I saw something on Pinterest that was a wall of clipboards for rotating art and thought “THAT!  That is the thing I want for my important paper organization message board (IPOMB)!” 

There are 9 full sized clip boards and then 3 smaller ones for tickets, gift cards, birthday cards that need to be sent, etc.  (I’m thinking about adding one more small one behind the phone with important phone numbers that we want to have quick access to, but I prefer odd numbers so I think having 4 there might bother me).   To the right we hung a few square corkboards that we can tack things onto easily.

We also spent a long weekend painting the entire first floor of our house.  Changing it from the colors that were in place when we first moved in, into a fresh, clean white.  I’m loving the brightness.  

Even the doggy door got a fresh coat of color 🙂

Welcome Pepper

So we have a new addition to the family – Welcome Pepper McCabe!

She is a 13 month old shitzu-poodle mix whose owners were unable to care for her anymore and so we welcomed her into our pack.  She outweighs Mr Roper by 2 1/2 pounds.

She is crazy, full of energy and loves to play.  I think she has a future in basketball because this girl can JUMP.

These three are a pretty good welcoming committee

Kiss the Wave

One of my favorite phrases these days is something Charles Spurgeon said, “I have learned to kiss the wave that throws me against the Rock of Ages.”

This week our church is doing our annual vacation bible school. Each day the kids are given a different truth about Jesus’ love that they repeat and cheer and chant throughout each station.

Today’s Bible Point — “Even when you don’t understand…Jesus Loves You”. All morning long, “Even when you don’t understand…Jesus Loves You.”

We don’t understand what we’ve been walking through. I thought that the grief would subside. You hear “time heals all wounds” but so far the truth for us has only been that the pain changes and shifts, like a mystery illness that moves around your body. Sometimes it’s more of a dull background noise and sometimes it hits like a hurricane. Crashing me against the Rock of Ages over and over and over again. Today I was driving on the road after having a particularly emotional day and the song “Happy” was blaring on the radio while I was crying and experiencing the absolute opposite of happiness. And I thought again of the VBS Bible Point, Even when I don’t understand…

I am learning to kiss these waves.

Rock of Ages, cleft for me,
Let me hide myself in Thee;
Let the water and the blood,
From Thy wounded side which flowed,
Be of sin the double cure,
Save from wrath and make me pure

Not the labor of my hands
Can fulfill Thy law’s demands;
Could my zeal no respite know,
Could my tears forever flow,
All for sin could not atone;
Thou must save, and Thou alone.

Nothing in my hand I bring,
Simply to Thy cross I cling;
Naked, come to Thee for dress;
Helpless, look to Thee for grace;
Foul, I to the fountain fly;
Wash me, Saviour, or I die.

While I draw this fleeting breath,
When mine eyes shall close in death,
When I soar to worlds unknown,
See Thee on Thy judgement throne,
Rock of Ages, cleft for me,
Let me hide myself in Thee

Father’s Day

This year on Father’s Day.

 

I am so thankful for this man —  a faithful, kind, loving, and stable step-father to our children who are on earth.

 

 

 

Claudia’s view of him as Prince Charming

 

Our lives are woven together in God’s grace and love

 

We are all better people for knowing him and having him in our lives

 

You don’t always get a lot of thanks or respect for being a step-parent.  Rich selflessly gives of his time and love Every Single Day.  He is consistently a flesh and blood reminder to me of God’s Great Love for us.

 

I love this – written by my dear friend Katie….

http://redbuddrive.wordpress.com/2014/06/15/to-the-dads-and-kind-men-everywhere/

Rich is this kind of parent.  The man who appreciates the small things.  Fixes broken wings.  Encourages.  Instructs.  Leads by example.  We love you, Rich!

 

Wilderness

Therefore, behold I will allure her

Bring her into the wilderness

And speak kindly to her.

Then I will give her her vineyards from there

And the valley of Achor as a door of hope.

And she will sing there as in the days of her youth

As in the day when she came up from the land of Egypt.

And it will come about in that day, declares the Lord

“That you will call Me Ishi

And will no longer call Me Baali….

And I will betroth you to Me forever;

Yes, I will betroth you to Me in righteousness and in justice,

In lovingkindness and in compassion

And I will betroth you to Me in faithfulness.

Then you will know the Lord.

“And it will come about in that day that I WILL RESPOND” declares the Lord.

“I will also have compassion on her who had not obtained compassion,

And I will say to those who were not My people,

“You are My people!”

And they will say, “Thou art my God!” (Hosea 2:14-16,19-21,23)

 

I have been thinking lately of the wilderness.  Just to clarify, not the great outdoors and camping (blech!), but the wilderness of the soul.  The wilderness of the unsure places we walk through.  The wilderness of the troubled times we find ourselves in where we think “how did I get here?” “where is God?” “Why am I suddenly alone in this?”

I remember a few years back when I found myself newly separated from a controlling church situation, and simultaneously, newly separated from a husband who had chosen to leave. I read this scripture and I read it again and again and again….and drank it up like a deep well of water.

I had always considered “the wilderness” a bad place.  A place where we are cursed or wandering around because of our disobedience.  But look at this!  God is alluring you, He is persuading you in His love to follow Him into the wilderness and He will Speak KINDLY to you there!  He will give you gifts there – a vineyard – it will be a fruitful time!  He will give you the Valley of Achor (which is the Valley of Trouble – [and if you want to read about that trouble, head over to Joshua 7, but I’ll warn you, there is stoning & thievery involved so be prepared for that]) — but here it is, the beautiful bit,  the valley of TROUBLE will be your DOOR of HOPE! Want to read that again?   The valley of trouble will be your door of hope.

 

Then you will call me Ishi (HUSBAND!) and no longer call me Baali (MASTER!)  And this husband knows all about forever.  And righteousness, justice, lovingkindness, compassion, faithfulness.  Such life giving words.  In this scary, all alone, wilderness place, you will learn that God wants you to call Him “husband” not “master” – that is a hugely different relationship title, no?

 

And then He promises that in that day He will RESPOND.  He will respond in Compassion.  It reminds me of the stories in the New Testament where we are told over and over again that Jesus was moved with Compassion.  That he responded to the situations out of His compassion.

 

So many friends are in wilderness places right now, and I pray for you (and I pray for me) that we will find within our valley of trouble, a door of hope.  A door that will open wide into a deeper relationship with God that will have us shouting in joyful praise, “You are my God!”

 

 

This.

“As you learn this lesson, to carry all your sorrows to God, and lie at your Savior’s feet, and spread your grief before Him, you will find a calm come over you, you know not from where; you will see through the clouds a bright opening, small perhaps and quickly closed, but telling of eternal rest, and everlasting day, and of the depth of the love of God.

Your heart will still rise and sink, but it will rise and sink not restlessly, nor waywardly, not in violent gusts of passion, but resting in stillness on the bosom of the ocean of the love of God.

Then shall you learn, not to endure only patiently, but, in everything against your will, humbly and quickly to see and to love the loving will of God.

Your faith and your love and your hope will grow, the more you see the work of God with you; you will have Joy in your Sorrow, and your Sorrow WILL be turned into Joy.” – Edward B. Pusey

I love how simple this is.  Carry your sorrows to Him (that’s easy – I’m always carrying it with me anyway!).  Lie down at His feet.  (I like laying down.  Check.).  Spread out your grief before Him.  (Maybe it won’t seem like such a huge wall between us if I spread it out?).

Then you will find calm.  Rest.  You will learn to endure – even though it’s Against. Your. Will. (Exactly.  I had no interest in this grief process!  I would have gladly chosen a different path thank you very much.) -You will learn to endure patiently. Humbly. Quickly. To LOVE the loving will of God.  And your Faith, your Love, your Hope – these will grow.  You will have joy in your sorrow.  And then, through a miraculous act of grace, your sorrow will eventually be turned into joy.